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BASIC MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the sh*t!

Management Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

Comprehending IT

Take One

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said," Take what you want." The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two

An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT guy said, "I like both." Both?" The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Take Three

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Four

An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Computing terminology

BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once

BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills

BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude

CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space

CODING: An addictive drug

COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter

COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors

COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages

CONSOLE: What one does to a depressed computer

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a stretch

DUMP: 1) The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer OR

2) A system programmer's work area

HARDWARE: If you drop it on your foot, and it hurts, it's hardware. (See software)

KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system

LANGUAGE: A system of organising and defining error messages

LOOP: See loop

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant

MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer

NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search

PRINTER: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)

RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half

SOFTWARE: If you drop it on your foot, and it doesn't hurt, it's software

USER: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation

WINDOWS: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up

Qantas Problems: Solutions...

These are some actual maintenance complaints, generally known as squawks, submitted by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers.

After attending to the squawks prior to the Aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks. The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews. (P) Is the problem logged by the pilot and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) No. 2 seepage normal - No. 1, No. 3 and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode, produces a 200-fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Re-programmed Target Radar with words instead of the tune.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Misc

When Joe was touring Spain, he stopped at a local restaurant to eat. While dining, he saw a scrumptious dinner dish being served at the next table. It looked and smelled wonderful. He inquired to the waiter, who replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" Joe, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation." He requested an order. The waiter informed him there was only one order served per day as there is only one bull fight each morning. The waiter related that if Joe returned early and placed his order the next day he would be sure to try the rare dish.

The next morning he returned and much to his delight, Joe was served the one and only special dish of the day. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones served the previous day.

The waiter shrugged and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal. He says to his pal: "Hey! That's "Jurassic Park's director Steven Spielberg over there!"

"God, I wish he'll come over to say hi.?" Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose. "Hey! What's that for?"

"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbor!" he said.

"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

"Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same! "Spielberg walks back.

The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch in the face. "What the... !?" "YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"

"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"

"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village surgery," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

Idiots

IDIOT #1
I'm a medical student doing rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there was no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation, mentioned that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room. Right away.

IDIOT #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing

IDIOT #3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

IDIOT #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained a picture of handcuffs.

IDIOT #5
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.

IDIOT #6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

IDIOT #7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

IDIOT #8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away!

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Squirrel & The Grasshopper (Rest Of The World Version)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

The Squirrel & The Grasshopper (The British Version)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special live from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We shall overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of the grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love for dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they may face death by mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers "illness".

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the supervisory care of the probation service to monitor him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost 10,000,000 pounds and state the obvious is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of press blame it on the failings of the government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience in prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the UK.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

The Schitt family

(With thanks to Chris Hansen).

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted SherJock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bun Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

CATS

(With thanks to Chris Hansen).

1. Do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6., When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim:
8. They're moody.
9: They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

30 REASONS MEN PREFER DOGS

(With thanks to Chris Hansen).

1. Dogs are excited by rough play.
2. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
3. Dogs love red meat.
4. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
5. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
6. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
7. Dogs don't shop.
8. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
9. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
10. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
11. A dog's parents never visit.
12. Dogs love long car trips.
13. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
14. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
15. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
16. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster dinner
17. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
18. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
19. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
20. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
21. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
22. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
23. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
24. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
25. Dogs think you sing great.
26. Dogs don't cry.
27. Dogs don't mind if you call them by another dog's name.
28. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.
29. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
30. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.