On the net since 1994. Still don’t know what I’m doing.


Hi-Jack a Plane - Win a Council House!

A bit old now, but still valid.

Good morning, and welcome to a brand new edition of Asylum! <Crowd goes wild>



On to-day's program, we feature another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hi-jack an Airliner and Win a Council House! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds, and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, the British Taxpayer!

Don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they do NOT hold a valid British passport. You only need one word of English: "Asylum".

Prizes include all-expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 per week, and a chance to earn thousands more begging (children optional), mugging, and accosting drivers at traffic lights! This competition is open to anyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application EVER refused, reasonable or otherwise. All you have to do is to destroy all your papers and utter that magic word "Asylum".

<Voice over - "COME ON DOWN">


Only last week, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown goat class from Kabul to our International Gateway at Stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200 a night rooms at the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include The White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services car park, in historic Bedfordshire, and of course the money trees at Croydon.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't worry. There's no need to 'Phone a Friend', or 'Ask the Audience'. Just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, councillors and social workers are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny. <Crowd - "Oooooooooooohhhh">

So play to-day. It could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro Pinochet activists, anti Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerillas, Indonesian butchers, the list is endless.

Get along to the airport, lorry park of terminal nearest you. Don't stop at Germany, France or anywhere else, go straight to Britain, and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends. Everyone's a winner when you play......