On the net since 1994. Still don’t know what I’m doing.
(Loads of these courtesy Sue G. of bottom of the garden fame. Thanks, Sue!)
BASIC MANAGEMENT LESSONS
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow,
and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:
"Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you
nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey
out of the tree.
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I
should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet
said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants
to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn
all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the
asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided
that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the sh*t!
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and
fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it
began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!
Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a
great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said," Take what you want." The first IT
guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend
time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT
guy said, "I like both." Both?" The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and
a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and
you can go to the office and get some work done."
An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If
you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT guy
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the IT guy took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT guy said, "Look I work in
IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your
BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the
CODING: An addictive drug
COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
CONSOLE: What one does to a depressed computer
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at
the computer and not enough time studying
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven
hours at a stretch
DUMP: 1) The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer
2) A system programmer's work area
HARDWARE: If you drop it on your foot, and it hurts, it's hardware. (See software)
KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
LOOP: See loop
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor
to eat in a restaurant
MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
PRINTER: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)
RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half
SOFTWARE: If you drop it on your foot, and it doesn't hurt, it's software
USER: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation
WINDOWS: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program
that took you three days to set up
Qantas Problems: Solutions...
These are some actual maintenance complaints, generally known as squawks, submitted
by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers.
After attending to the squawks prior to the Aircraft's next flight, the maintenance
crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's
squawks. The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance
crews. (P) Is the problem logged by the pilot and (S) marks the solution and action
taken by maintenance engineers.
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) No. 2 seepage normal - No. 1, No. 3 and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode, produces a 200-fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Re-programmed Target Radar with words instead of the tune.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.
He says to his pal: "Hey! That's "Jurassic Park's director Steven Spielberg over
"God, I wish he'll come over to say hi.?" Spielberg suddenly walked over and
gave the man a heavy punch on the nose. "Hey! What's that for?"
"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbor!" he said.
"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same! "Spielberg walks back.
The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch in
the face. "What the... !?" "YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"
"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"
"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean...
and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell
asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at
his lobster-coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only
a small village surgery," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you.
However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of
Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going
to do?" "Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the
sheets off your legs."
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's
a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough
to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit
in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't
smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The Schitt family
(With thanks to Chris Hansen).
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves
at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy
efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn,
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents'
objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married
Ted SherJock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather
nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bun Schitt, the prodigal
son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian
bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
30 REASONS MEN PREFER DOGS
(With thanks to Chris Hansen).
1. Dogs are excited by rough play.
2. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
3. Dogs love red meat.
4. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
5. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
6. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
7. Dogs don't shop.
8. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
9. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
10. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
11. A dog's parents never visit.
12. Dogs love long car trips.
13. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
14. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
15. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
16. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster dinner
17. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
18. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
19. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
20. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
21. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
22. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
23. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
24. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
25. Dogs think you sing great.
26. Dogs don't cry.
27. Dogs don't mind if you call them by another dog's name.
28. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.
29. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
30. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Q & A
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how the Welsh practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty
seat next to him.
'No,' he says. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible!' says the other man. 'Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest
sporting event, and not use it?'
'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but
she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since
we got married.
'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else,
a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head.
'No. They're all at the funeral...'
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath..
This made him what?
Oh man this is good…….
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.”
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below
when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please
follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down.
Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check makeup in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler to mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow pill down drinking straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
8. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place
cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
9. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
10. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize
to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
11. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
12. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
13. Arrange for PDSA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.